


Venus Flytraps and the Problems They Pose to Modern Society

by My_Own_Infinity



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Carlos is a Dork, Fluff, Kevin is adorable, M/M, a whole lotta laughs, cecil is badass, cute things happen, plants try to eat people, spoiler alert: the flytrap's a metaphor, utter parallelism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 10:10:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1185021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Own_Infinity/pseuds/My_Own_Infinity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos brings home a plant that is not what it seems. Meanwhile, Kevin and Diego spend a romantic evening in Desert Bluffs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Venus Flytraps and the Problems They Pose to Modern Society

It was 2:00 in the morning and Carlos was staring at a plant. Or perhaps, as it had occurred to him around an hour into his observations, the plant was staring at him.

He still had no idea how he had gotten roped into this. He had made it clear from the get-go that he was not a botanist, and yet there he was; stuck plant-sitting in the wee hours of the morning.

At first glance, it seemed like your typical venus flytrap. Perhaps it was a bit _bigger_ than normal – the plant was almost as large as the table on which it had been placed – but otherwise there was nothing suspicious-looking about it. And if venus flytraps had been native to deserts, Carlos probably would have disregarded it entirely. The rest of his team certainly seemed content with ignoring it.

“You realize there is literally a venomous, floating cat in your boyfriend’s studio, right?” his teammate, Pakar, said when Carlos first mentioned the plant. “Is a two-foot-tall plant really worth your time?”

And, of course, Cecil was less than thrilled when Carlos came home from work with a carnivorous plant taller than a meter stick in tow. “We are _not_ putting that in the bedroom,” was the first thing he said, and Carlos had to restrain himself from reminding Cecil about the strange creatures _he_ had brought home from work. (“Umm…so Station Management spawned offspring, and there’s no one else to take care of the little creatures after intern Patrice illegally built a bloodstone circle and mysteriously vanished, so I promised that we would take them in for a little bit. It’ll be fun, I promise! Also, do you mind if they sleep in the bed with us? I don’t know _exactly_ what they are, but they seem to crave human companionship.”) But the plant had eventually been allowed to stay, so long as it remained in the living room, and Carlos quickly discovered that the thing mystified him. He didn’t know why, but that one, slightly odd plant interested him more than virtually anything else in Night Vale. He couldn’t even sleep properly with the image of the flytrap in his mind; hence, the early morning plant-watching. The entire situation was a conundrum that Carlos didn’t have the energy to solve.

 

***

 

Everything was wrong. So, so wrong. Diego was supposed to arrive at the restaurant fifteen minutes ago, and there was still no sign of him. Kevin must have done something horrible. Yes, that was it. He did something awful and upset Diego and now Diego hates him so of course he isn’t going to show up and Kevin’s going to be alone forever and –

Everything was fine.

There was no need to worry. Diego was probably just caught up in work-related troubles – nothing unusual. All worry faded instantly – almost unnaturally, but Kevin didn’t notice. He wondered what he would have for dinner. He was in the mood for heart, but he knew that that was Diego’s favorite. Maybe the liver, then. As long as it was fresh. A hand on his shoulder and a kiss on his forehead interrupted Kevin’s pondering.

“Hello, darling. Sorry I’m late; I ran into a few…complications at my meeting.” Diego shooed away his bodyguards as three of the restaurant’s wait staff appeared out of nowhere – literally – to take his coat, straighten his tie, and ready his place at the table.

“Oh, you were late?” Kevin asked as his lover took the seat across the table. “I barely noticed.”

 

***

 

The flytrap was eating his textbooks. Carlos had moved it from the coffee table once it became clear that it couldn’t take the weight, which meant that the pot was now located only two feet from his bookshelf. Despite his scientific curiosity, Carlos had allowed his mind to wander, slowly slipping into unconsciousness. The plant showed absolutely no sign of disturbance; in fact, if it wasn’t for the distinct sound of ripping pages, Carlos probably wouldn’t have felt the need to open his eyes and inspect the plant at all.

Of course, once he _did_ circle the plant to investigate the source of the noise, he discovered that one of the larger heads (mouths?) of the plant was tearing apart his prized copy of _Quantum Physics for Dummies_ with – were those… _teeth?_ For a moment he stood staring at the plant, debating whether he should try and fight or if it would really just be easier to let the damn thing have its way with the book. He compromised by rolling up a newspaper and whacking at the flytrap’s leaves, scolding it as if it were a misbehaving puppy. “No. _No_. Put that down. Drop – _drop it._ ”

It didn’t listen. Instead, the flytrap continued gnawing on the pages, looking about as pleased with itself as an oversized carnivorous plant can look. When Carlos resorted to attempting to pry open the mouth, another head snapped forward and bit him on the arm.

“Ow – hey! Cut that out!” The plant hummed happily. It was almost…cute, Carlos thought. He felt a sudden, strange urge to reach out and touch one of the smooth leaves; to wrap his arms around the stems and sleep…

Wait, what?

Carlos shook his head violently to clear his mind of the – frankly, _disturbing_ – urges. He told himself that he was probably just suffering from sleep-deprivation. He’d get some coffee later. Or something. He settled back on the couch, staring sleepily at the five-foot tall plant that was most definitely staring back.

 

***

 

“…And then he had the audacity to suggest that _I_ hire better pilots. As though the disappearance of our helicopters was due to some fault of mine rather than those of incompetent commanders who cannot seem to handle thirteen-year-old girls!”

Diego had been ranting about his work for nearly an hour, but Kevin, ever sympathetic, simply wrinkled his brow slightly and asked, “So what did you _do_?”

“I shot him.”

“In the middle of the business meeting?”

“Of course in the middle of the business meeting,” Diego said after an annoyed sip of wine. “Where else was I going to shoot him?” He looked as though he was going to say more, but he then closed his eyes, visibly composing himself. “My apologies, Kevin. I’ve been inconsiderate. My business troubles are not yours. How was your day?”

“Oh, swell!” Kevin said, absentmindedly stirring his drink with a knife still bloodied from his dinner. He always enjoyed this part of his and Diego’s night out. No matter how dull Kevin’s stories were, Diego always gave him his utmost attention, black eyes barely blinking as he listened to his radio host talk about the day’s events. “Let’s see… I went to work, obviously. I got quite a bit done! I mean, I don’t remember exactly what I did…but I’m sure it was productive!” Kevin grinned brightly, and across the table Diego smiled back, encouraging. “Aaaaaand…after that, I visited the new pony-petting station downtown – adorable! You know, it was so cute. One of the ponies…” and so on until Diego called for the check and the couple left the restaurant to continue their night on the town.

 

***

 

It was 5:00 in the morning and the venus flytrap was the most beautiful thing Carlos had ever seen. Some time before, when he still had some semblance of rational thought, Carlos had handcuffed his wrist to one of the couch legs. Now he was regretting it, as the metal restraint was the only obstacle between him and the perfect thing in the middle of his living room. What was he _thinking_? How could he not have seen how…how _enticing_ the plant was? All he wanted to do was follow that smell; to curl up in one of the mouths that lay open so invitingly; to _sleep_. He couldn’t see how he could ever have considered the plant dangerous. Something so beautiful – so lovely – would never hurt him.

But those damn handcuffs were getting in the way. Carlos frantically struggled to find a way to cross that five-foot distance to the plant’s gaping mouth. Maybe…he had never claimed to be anything special when it came to physical strength, but a couch couldn’t be _that_ hard to pull. And he so badly wanted to reach that plant.

With a surprising burst of energy, Carlos slowly began trekking towards his plant, only distantly aware of the pain in his wrist. He could hear it calling to him. _Carlossss_ , it hissed. _Hurry, Carlos. You’re almost there. Your world is so dangerous, Carlos. Come to me…I’ll protect you. I’ll keep you safe. I will never let anything hurt you, Carlos. I love you. Carlosss…Carlos…_ “Carlos!” And oh, it had the most beautiful voice Carlos had ever heard. Deep, sonorous, lulling, frantic… panicked.

Slowly, Carlos emerged from a trance that felt like the depths of the ocean. He blinked.

“Carlos! Can you hear me? Carlos, stop!”

With a start, Carlos realized that he was practically throwing himself into the flytrap’s gaping mouth, and that the beautiful, frantic voice belonged to Cecil. Carlos quickly scrambled back, just barely avoiding a chomp from the plant – which now covered nearly half the room, flailing tendrils stretching out nearly ten feet from its center. “Cec- oh my god!” The flytrap seemed to sense its prey’s retreat. A vine shot out, wrapping around Carlos’ ankle and forcibly dragging him towards the snapping heads. In between cries and frantic struggling, a detached portion of Carlos’ mind noted that it did indeed have teeth, and that they were dripping – saliva? Poison? He didn’t have time to find out.

With a snarl and a cry of, “Don’t you dare!” Cecil pulled out a…a sword? And charged straight towards the beast. Carlos barely had time to cry out before Cecil was hacking away at the dozen heads, growling nearly as viciously as the plant. The flytrap may have been three times Cecil’s size, but they appeared to be evenly matched in battle. When vines and tendrils shot towards him, Cecil parried with tentacles of his own. When a head took a close snap at him, Cecil chapped it off with one deft stroke of his sword. And when Carlos felt the vine around his ankle finally loosen its hold, he knew that his boyfriend had won.

As soon as Cecil was satisfied that the plant was properly dead, he rushed over to where Carlos lay, checking his injuries with a refreshingly gentle touch. Carlos noted with irony that he seemed to have done more damage to himself by struggling against the handcuffs than the plant did by dragging him across the floor.

“What,” Cecil said as he brushed away the vines, “the _hell_ were you thinking? You were running straight towards it!”

“I think – I threw the key across the room; it’s probably by the bookshelf – I think it _drugged_ me. It bit me earlier – that’s when the hallucinations started.  God, Cecil, how the hell did you _do_ that?”

Cecil had found the key and unlocked the handcuffs, and for the first time Carlos was able to see the extent of the plant’s (and Cecil’s) wreckage. “Oh…” Cecil said, looking a bit sheepish.  “Uh, it’s the first step for the ‘Carnivorous Plant Extermination’ badge for Dark Scout.”

Carlos took in the picture – the hacked-off plant chunks, the broken furniture, his boyfriend covered in plant slime – and suddenly it all seemed unbearably _funny_.  “Carlos? Carlos, are you okay?” but Carlos couldn’t find the breath to respond. “Are you hurt? Are you in pain? Do you need me to call Teddy Williams?”

“N-No, no…” Carlos wiped tears from his eyes. “You… I was almost eaten by a plant.” He burst into renewed fits of laughter. Cecil stared at him, utterly bemused. “I almost _died_ ,” Carlos giggled, by way of explanation.

“Um… O-kayyyyy…” Cecil moved toward the landline. “So, you just stay there, and I’m going to ask Teddy to make an emergency visit, alright?”

Carlos began to stand in an attempt to stop Cecil, to tell him that it wasn’t necessary, but in a swell of emotion he grabbed Cecil’s hand and pulled him down on top of him. “I love you,” Carlos said between kisses. “So much. Do you know that? So, _so_ much.”

Cecil had made a surprised grunt when he first collapsed onto Carlos, but he soon wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and was kissing him back with vigor. “Hmm, you should – _oh_ – you should bring dangerous plants home more often.”

And then they were both giggling and Cecil looked absolutely ridiculous with half of his hair tinted green with plant residue and Carlos’ arms were wrapped around Cecil’s neck and everything was perfect.

 

***

 

Desert Bluffs was called Desert Bluffs for a reason. Its lookout points were said to provide the most beautiful view of the ocean in the entire southwestern United States. Granted, there was technically no ocean anywhere near the town or its bluffs, but no one seemed to notice. The bluffs were usually the spot to find young, teenage lovers, but that night it held the attention of a radio host and _his_ lover.

Kevin sat on the roof of Diego’s Ferrari with his head on Diego’s shoulder and their fingers intertwined. They sat in contented silence for a while, resting, Kevin enjoying Diego’s company, before he lifted his head and said softly, “Look. The sun is rising.” The two men looked out over the bluffs at the second sunrise, all a beautiful mix of red, gold, and violet. “It’s beautiful,” Kevin breathed. Diego gave a soft, “mmm,” in reply.

As more of the sun became visible, Kevin grew fidgety, twirling a lock of Diego’s hair with his finger and shifting to a cross-legged position on the car. Even with Kevin’s medicine in full effect, Diego knew his radio host well enough to identify signs of unease. “What’s wrong, my love?”

There was a short silence before Kevin answered. “What if…what if the sun doesn’t rise at all? I mean, I know that it doesn’t rise _sometimes_ , but what if one day it just…stops rising forever? What will we do?”

Kevin’s concern – softened by the drugs Diego had given him – shone through his eyes, even as his lips automatically twitched upward into a smile. “Now, really,” Diego said in his most reassuring tone. “Ye of little faith. Do you really think I would allow that to happen to you?”

“But-“

“Shhh…” Diego silenced him with a kiss. A hand brushed though Kevin’s hair as Diego pulled away. “There’s no need to be frightened, my Kevin.” He smiled. “I’ll protect you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Diego is the OC of the wonderful artist [videntefernandez](http://videntefernandez.tumblr.com/). If you want to fangirl over Welcome to Night Vale, my blog is [here.](http://wearereadyforwar.tumblr.com/)


End file.
